Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
