I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
