He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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