And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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