You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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