yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
