if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
