I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't deserve a penis
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
