I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
