im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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