A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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