they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
