Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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