I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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