Jerry, you need to find god
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize