guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
