He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
