I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize