YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize