I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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