Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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