Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Randomize
