All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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