i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
