my phone needs a breathalizer
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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