I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
