I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
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