Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
