I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
