I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
