Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
