if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
