We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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