Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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