i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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