I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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