Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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