She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
