Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
