i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
