she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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