Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
