Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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