Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
