Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
