spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
