I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
