i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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