My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize