When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
