You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize