i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
