You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
